Today I am using words to help my soul. In my last post, I discussed using creativity to heal and express yourself. I also mentioned that I am going through the aftermath of a major loss. For the first time, I feel I am ready to share some of that.

I lost my husband on June 8th this year to ALS. It was a very dramatic loss because his diagnosis came 4 days before he passed. You wonder why? He tried to get an appointment with a neurologist for almost 2 years with no result until he couldn't walk anymore and we decided to seek help at San Francisco Spine Center. He got an appointment but it was too late for him because he died before that. I became his sole caretaker starting Thanksgiving last year (when he couldn't walk anymore) and had to do everything for him. Things, you do not even think about when you are healthy. As he lost his strength to get with my help from the recliner into the wheelchair I had to call 911 and in the hospital, he got his diagnosis. 4 days later he left me with respiratory failure due to ALS.

I don't have family in my town and because my life has been consumed with taking care of him, worrying, fears, and anxiety I became very isolated. I don't have children (a son or daughter would come in real handy now) and I dealt with that all by myself.

I listened to many videos about being a widow, joined groups, and read articles ... and it didn't help. They all tell you what to do and what not to do. I used to be a recovery coach working with partners of alcoholics. It is funny, I did precisely the same thing even though I grew up with a drinking father. We are so quick to tell others what to do. I know it is well meant but if somebody tells me once more I have to go out and socialize I start to yell. It has been a few months since I lost him. The pain isn't so raw anymore and most of the time I can talk about it without bursting into tears. That is easier but the emptiness in my heart is still there. My purpose is gone and the reason why I came to this country, too. It was all for him. 

I am engulfing myself in my paints and writing to find peace again. Maybe my words will help another widow (what a strange word in my vocabulary) who is going through the same. It feels weird to share this so publicly but it feels like he keeps living through me and my words.

I don't know if I share more about all this. However, if you think it has value please give this post a like to let me know.

Thank you for listening to my heart.

Christina